Canada is turning 150 years old this year, which in human years is whatever age it is you’re allowed to start swearing.

While you may feel overwhelmed thanks to the constant bombardment of #Canada150-themed advertisements and marketing activations that all claim their product/service is “most Canadian”, can you imagine how the provinces and territories feel? They have to get their mother something extra special this year, something other than boring old natural resources or NHL-ready prospects.

To lighten their load, we’ve come up with a gift idea for each child. If you agree with your province or territory’s present, let it know by printing out this post and flushing it down your toilet, which is the only way to communicate with inanimate land masses.


Alberta

Alberta’s famous beefs have provided the nation with nutritious flesh for as long as Canada’s been a country. Unfortunately, cows don’t get tasty by eating worms—their robust flavour is due to a hearty mix of Alberta grasses, hays, and mud. Yep, Alberta beef has been suckling on the terra teat of Canada for a long time, so we think it should give something back. Alberta’s gift to Canada should be…

150,000 KILOGRAMS OF PURE, UNCUT SLAVE LAKE SOD



British Columbia

B.C. residents are known as being a laidback bunch who only get riled up if their hockey team loses or the harbor runs out of sardines. We think Canada would love to see those granola gremlins get a bit wild, and there’s no better way to do so than stage a simultaneous, PROVINCE-WIDE SINGING “WHATCHA DO TO MY BODY” BY CANADA’S OWN METAL QUEEN, LEE AARON. It has a hard edge while also accurately reflecting how most Canadians feel about Canada:

Whatcha do to my body, body
You got me shakin', you make me weak
Whatcha do to my body, baby
Should be illegal, 'cause nobody should feel this good, no, no




Manitoba

To those who want to die slowly by having their blood incrementally sucked up by hordes of mosquitos, Manitoba is a veritable paradise. But for the jolly of soul, the province’s famous summer swarms are a nuisance that make Manitobans some of the itchiest mammals in the country. Most residents prefer a simple self-scratch without realizing that they could be killing two birds with one bullet by rolling around on the ground. This would alleviate the itch while also gently massaging the land they call home, therefore,  Manitoba should give Canada…

AN HOUR-LONG, PROVINCE-WIDE GROUND ROLL MASSAGE.



New Brunswick

Known as the “Loki” of Canada, New Brunswick is well known for its trickery and sleight of hand. Its famous Magnetic Hill purports to be a magic road where the laws of gravity do not apply, leading many young children to take up careers in witchcraft and wizardry only to find themselves on the street begging for quarters, then attempting to make those quarters disappear. The truth is, Magnetic Hill is a natural optical illusion, an illusion whose scientific properties should be celebrated and not silenced. So on July 1st, we recommend New Brunswick give Canada and its children…

THE TRUTH



Newfoundland

Newfoundland was the tenth province to enter Confederation so it only makes sense for it to give its mother a full-on decade of something. We recommend TEN NEW SLANG TERMS of the people’s choosing to add to an already impressive pantheon of loony lingo. Communicate this to Mother Canada any way you want--Skywriting, crop circling, lining up dead cod in a big field—it’s up to you!

Nova Scotia

Ever since being dubbed “New Scotland” by some freak gaga for Scotland who got lost on the east coast, this maritime province has been disrespecting its home and native land. With a name like that, it’s safe to assume that Nova Scotia believes it’s an actual country and not a humble, beautiful province. To reverse the emotional damage it has dealt to the nation, we suggest a NAME CHANGE.
 
We’d recommend sticking with the Latin theme and going with something like “Vetus Gloria” which translates to “Old Beautiful”.  


 

Ontario

When Ontarians travel to the U.S. and find themselves in a bar, it’s not unusual for them to flaunt their Health Card, give American beer a hard time, and show a general lack of enthusiasm toward the CN Tower. As the night goes on the hard stats start coming out and there’s no stat Ontarians love to shock Yankees with than the classic, “Ontario is home to 35% of Canada’s population”.

Amazing? Perhaps. Dangerous? Certainly.  

That much population density puts a big strain on Canada’s mid-section, so for the big 150 we recommend some relief by having all Ontarians TAKE TO THE SKIES. If you don’t own a plane, hot air balloon or gyrocopter, we’ll organize a simultaneous jump, which should give Canada at least one full second of reprieve.


 

Prince Edward Island

It’s impossible to deny that P.E.I. is the only province that has given Canada more than it has taken. It’s got natural wonders, stunning dirt, and it’s even the spot where Canada officially became a country. Thus, we think it’d be awfully cute if Canada gave something to P.E.I.--something that would make a great province that much greater.

We’d recommend Canada give Prince Edward Island a SAFE VOLCANO THAT SPOUTS FLUFFY CLOUDS OR SOMETHING.



Quebec

Canada the landmass only knows natural flavours, of which Quebec has long been harvesting to create the world famous maple syrup that foreigners assume we drink instead of milk. We think it’s due time she enjoy a treat of the human world. One of our most famous homegrown confections is the Coffee Crisp bar, loved for its crisp crunch and high caffeine content, akin to a full urn of brown. Quebec’s gift should be:

A COFFEE CRISP BAR THAT SPANS THE ENTIRETY OF THE PLAINS OF ABRAHAM, to be slowly dissolved into Canada’s crust or nibbled upon by tourists.



Saskatchewan

The plains of Saskatchewan are a timid geometer’s dream. Its flatness gives Mother Canada some much needed consistency—it’s the kind of province she never has to worry about. We’d think our mum would be pleasantly surprised to see a bit more verticality out of old reliable, which means the perfect gift for Saskatchewan is…

A SICK RAMP COVERING THE ENTIRETY OF THE PLAINS. Residents would be free to get gnarly on the ramp using any board, blade or boot they got. This will allow her big sky to be filled with something other than wheat spores and seagulls for once.



Northwest Territories

From April to August, this towering territory enjoys pure sunlight with nary a trace of that big space stone we call “The Moon”. This is great for the vitamin D deficient, and those who are terrified of vampires, but it’s a tough ride for anyone who enjoys a nice dark slumber. We believe Canada would enjoy seeing things quiet down a bit so NWT’s gift should probably be a SOOTHING MIDNIGHT LULLABY sang by all residents overtop a calming symphony of natural sounds like duck honks, moose growls, and lynx claps.



Nunavut

At age 18, Nunavut is barely pubic and hasn’t had much opportunity to show Canada what it’s got. Rather than give a flashy, outrageous gift similar to its brothers and sisters, we believe Nunavut should give Canada a CLEAR, CONCISE FIFTY YEAR PLAN. Being a teen is an uncertain time for any province or territory and we think that an outline of its future goals would quell any fears Canada has for this still developing northern area.


Yukon

Way back in the late 1800s, our ancestors were ripping gold out of the Yukon like a toddler in a turnip patch. This benefited jewelers and alchemists but it left Canada dry of one of Earth’s most famous elements.

We know that it’d be impossible and unreasonable for anyone to return gold to the ground, but it wouldn’t be that hard for each Yukon resident get in on the gift and BURY ONE TREASURE EACH. It could be anything: your father’s ashes, a stamp collection, your car stereo. Just remember to kiss it and include a little card because we don’t want Canada thinking you’re burying more trash.




Happy Birthday, Canada! Be sure to check out our archive of Canadian comics doing their thing on Just For Laughs: All Access.