Canada turns 146 years old on Monday, though the land that makes up our beautiful country has got to be at least double that age. The strange thing about Canada’s birthday is that instead of showering our home and native land with gifts, which is standard birthday procedure, we’re the ones who get spoiled with a day off. That kind of selflessness is soooo Canada, Canada. It’s like going to Santa’s house on Christmas Day or finding a leprechaun a new girlfriend instead of constantly seeking out his pot of gold. It’s due time we tell Canada to stop being so nice, relax and let us give it the best birthday of all time, instead of filling its atmosphere with the smoke of fireworks and grilled meats, and soiling its dirt with vomit from drinking too many Caesars. If you’re struggling with what to get a land mass, here are some ideas:

The Practical Gift

Compared with other, more established countries like Finland and Westeros, Canada is still very young. That means that it’s a tech-savvy trend-setter with an eye (Canada’s eye is Hudson’s Bay) for what’s hip. It may not be flashy, but we think Canada will really enjoy this 7600 kilometer long USB cable that will stretch from coast to coast. This will allow Canada to connect its various screens, pods and pads wherever and whenever, whether it’s busy tickling fish in Newfoundland or excreting trees in BC.

The Fancy Gift

Canada is a land rich in natural resources, but due to industrialization and our hunger for fresh rocks, we’ve depleted much of it. Why not help replenish our stock by introducing some new species? The plains of Saskatchewan would look pretty nice with kangaroos bouncing around, and I’m sure the citizens of Fredericton would enjoy the tropical serenity of the mighty palm tree.
The Sweet Gift
Canada’s diet is made up of fresh, local ingredients, which is fine if it wants to live a long, boring life. We should introduce Canada to the world of sweets. We have a lot treats that you can’t get anywhere else in the world such as Aero, Crunchie, Coffee Crisp and that gum made of salmon fat and molasses that’s popular with teenagers out west.

If anyone has any pictures of New Zealand without its shirt on, I’m sure Canada would really enjoy them.

Happy Canada Day everyone! Drive safe, swim erratically!