1. Conan’s latest round of Coffee Table Books That Didn’t Sell included titles like Nerds of the Animal World, featuring photos of four-eyed spiders and Star Trek-costumed manatees, and Buddhist Hoarders.
 
2. We learned the story of how ape-armed Abraham Lincoln built himself up from clueless country lawyer to president of the whole entire United States—as told by a drooling-drunk Rich Fulcher.
 
3. Jeselnik Offensive panelist David Koechner defended a tweet about his terrible real voice, while fellow guest Kumail Nanjiani explained his own #comboDentalAndSexBrag.
 
4. In response Rick Perry’s negative ad trying to lure workers from New York, Lewis Black made his own anti-Texas ad (or “fuck off, Texas” ad, to be specific) for this week’s Back in Black segment on The Daily Show.
 
5. And Stephen Colbert was like ohmygod Kate Middleton is so radiant ohmygod when is the royal baby gonna be born ohmygod I need a baby now now now NOW! He was so excited he almost gave birth.