For his new year's resolution, Stephen Colbert came up with an innovative way to lose 20lbs by bathing suit season.

 
And Amy Schumer had some new year's resolution advice for her female followers: resolve to not be a raccoon.

 
Match Game panelist Debra DiGiovanni is starting a nation-wide stand-up tour tomorrow. Which means for the next few months, she can cry on her hotels' dime/Kleenex.

 
As for Match Game host Darrin Rose, the show's on hiatus, it's chill-your-blood cold out, and he may have found a way to avoid leaving his apartment building until spring.

 
Paul Scheer was a guest on @midnight last night. But he should have been at home feeding fish to his pet whale.

 
Kumail Nanjiani competed against Scheer during yesterday's episode of @midnight. Which means they are sworn enemies. Which means Scheer may be watching a slightly-out-of-sync YouTube clip from Free Willy right now.

 
Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee's youngest child was also in an adversarial spirit recently. This seems pretty ominous for a three-year-old.

 
And Key & Peele's Jordan Peele also had some advice for fighters. But it's less "may you burn forever" and more on the "let's settle this like adults" end of the conflict spectrum.