Most of the world’s best headliner readers are octogenarians who grew up in a time when newspapers were one of only two sources of information available to the public alongside the inane rantings of drunken blimp pilots. But there are a handful of young bucks who despite never subscribing to a physical newspaper, have the diction, inflection and pun recognition to be able to read headlines the way they were meant to be read.

We here at Comedy own the souls of two such rookie phenomes: The Beaverton’s Emma Hunter and Miguel Rivas. After a mere two episodes the two have already solidified their place in the Canadian news landscape thanks to their ability to take things that have been written and deliver them to the masses with nary a trace of mispronunciation or misuse of punctuation—and they haven’t even had their tongues enhanced!

The pair recently stopped by our lavish gated compound, and to ensure they gave us something in return for all the toilet paper they tried to steal, they played a fun game with us.

We gave them pairs of real but very silly headlines featuring people in mostly unfortunate situations, and it was up to them to decide which person they’d prefer to be. Check out the video below and PROMISE US you’ll tune into a brand new episode of The Beaverton tonight at 10:30ep where you’ll experience shocking new insights into the world of ISIS, Aisha Alfa examining at the Liberal sex-ed curriculum, and Canada looking to a new currency.